I Don’t Know Anymore

I don’t know anymore,  I don’t know what to do anymore.
It is like I’m in a black hole or that I have some sort of a memory loss.

I see my world upside down. I can’t seem to decide anymore, I just cluelessly nodd.

My answers are getting smaller as days pass by.
As my thoughts getting bigger, the smile on my face is slowly fading.
I can’t seem to find something to wander with or anything or someone to think about anymore.
“I’m lost, where am I? What is this, what is that?”
I question myself as I stand alone and stare at the sky full of stars. Is there any way that I can fly off and be somewhere better,
Somewhere, where I can’t feel lost, where everything seems to be okay?
Is there even a happy ending in this world other than books of fairytales?

You may wonder, Why am I always talking about my sorrows in puzzles and nonsense? Why can’t I just open up and write about my problems?
Because it is so hard for me to just say it right away. Because my words are shattered and I can’t find the right words to describe or talk about my sorrows.

How funny, isn’t it?
How can a person feel so much pain and yet pretend that he or she is completely fine. human beings sometimes surprise me.
No wonder why there’s a job called “acting”.

Do you think I can become a great actor? I think I can, since nobody realizes that I’m completely broken and don’t know how to feel anymore.
I mean for real, can’t you notice that, like… at all?
It is really crazy and driving me nutts.
My life has become meaningless.
I live for nothing and will die for nothing.

I can’t even relay on people anymore, I don’t know who to be friend with. Because it will be just like a blow of wind. If I made friends or counted on someone and they backstabbed or disappointed me, it won’t make me feel any different towards them, because the number of being backstabbed, disappointed, broken, hurt, or even being lied to, is uncountable. There’s no any single space for it. It became full that I don’t even know what its like to be hurt anymore or even loved.
I just shed tears as I write and speak my words…

I don’t say much anymore, it’s just… I don’t know anymore. Even speaking to people became hard for me. I don’t communicate anymore.

I’m lost in time, I’m dazed off as the my world spins around.
Is there anyone will dare to hold my hand to pull me towards him/her and say “I know it’s been a tough road for you on your own, I’m sorry for walking slow behind you. I’ll promise I will be your shadow from now own and we shall walk on those tough roads together.”

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4 thoughts on “I Don’t Know Anymore

  1. I know it’s been tough road for you on your own……. But I’ll never be your shadow, I’m a free will human who can’t be fixed a certain point, no matter what the circumstance. I know your pain, and you know mine, clearly… But to think that I’m walking slowly in front of you is ignorant, the speed at which you WANT to evolved is your own, but, “let he who is perfect cast the first stone”. I know what your thinking, and I assure you religion has little to nothing to do with this, but if you look you’ll see…. Only if you want to

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Apparently, even if i wanted to see or read between the lines, things will come out differently.
      No matter how i look at it, it always shows something different. I just stopped expecting good things, because that way i won’t feel disappointed. But then again, it is good to have someone to be by your side or to rely on, even if he/she can’t be around most of the times.

      Oh well, thanks for your meaningful comment, and also thanks for making time to read what I’ve wrote.
      Have a nice day.

      Like

      1. It’s anyways good to have someone to rely, but even if you can’t have that luxury, it doesn’t mean give up on hope, I might be taking it the wrong way but that’s what’s I’m seeing here, never give up on that, and I’ll help as much as you want me to

        Like

      2. You’re right. I shouldn’t give up on my hopes, even if it were like a thin rope that it’s about to rip. It is actually great to see what you’re seeing, because it could be me, who is seeing everything so differently, when in fact everything is the same.

        Thanks once again, I really appreciate it.

        Like

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