To My Self

Are you wondering how am I doing in my own space, in my own imaginations? Are you even wondering? I guess I’m going to talk to myself again, and let my inner self go for a walk and watch the sky.

Session 1

-How are you?
I’m okay, but in confusion. It is like I’m lost in a box, how is that even possible? Yes, I know that I’m in a box, but I see more than that, it is suffocating.
Then I wonder if I painted the walls the way I want to see the world or my surroundings. Am I tricking my brain? Am I hallucinating? I’m not sure what to believe, but I’m happy with what I see, even if the whole thing was scripted by me without even realizing it.
I always say that, it is better to be slapped by the truth than being kissed with lies.
I think that my misery or the misery that I’m in, is affecting on me pretty badly.

 

Can I have a break now?
– No, not now, how about later?

I want to see flowers, I want to love all of the colors rather than just 2 or 4. I want to have many choices, as many as I can.
I don’t want to find myself always stuck in between. I want to be bold and strong, not to pretend to be bold and strong just to seem that I’m always okay with whatsoever. I want to show a bit of fear, or a bit of sadness and pain. I don’t want to be perfect. Perfect isn’t normal, it scares me, it is always pointing at me as if I am at fault or a disgrace.

 

Can I leave now?
– Do you get enough of sleep?

I have inner kind of the eye. I know it seems that I haven’t slept for hours.
Eyes, aren’t they the most beautiful thing on a human beings? They can draw a whole story and write a whole entire white pages, and not even leave a single place empty. They can even speak, did you know that?

My eyes, your eyes, our eyes, are basically our universe.
You may or may not be wondering “why do you keep staring at the floor while I’m talking to you?”
My lips could be telling you things, and my eyes could be telling you the opposite of what my mouth is telling you.
Pretty crazy, right? But don’t worry, I will only answer you with whatever my brain wants to tell you.

 

-Why not tell me through your heart?

I knew you would ask that.

I am speaking with you through my heart.
Our hearts, it only shows or expresses feelings, and those feelings go to our brains to create words for it.
The heart takes the pressure and the brain decides if the heart can handle it or not.
The heart always wants for the things to end or happen easily, but the brain knows that nothing comes or goes easy.
Poor heart, how can you seem so weak yet have the strongest muscle in our body. I feel you heart, and don’t worry about the brain, he is your closest friend and he truly cares about you.

 

Will that be enough for today?
– Why did you give the brain a gender?

To me, it seems like the brain is a male and the heart is a female.
You know how females are emotional, and males are quite heartless sometimes. When I say ‘heartless’ I don’t mean it as if they don’t have feelings, what I mean is that they see everything as if they’re so simple. Females see everything as if they’re so complicated.
And as we all know by now, there can’t be any balance.

Session 2

-How is the weather today?

You were just outside, therefore on your way here, how was the weather?the_sky_beneath_my_feet_by_yuumei-d9g7lrh.jpg

-How does it look like, to you?

Sunny and warm.

-How do you know that?

Since the air conditioner is on, the air outside is warm. And it is sunny since there are no clouds.

-Does it affect you in any way?

No, but it would be really nice if it rained instead. I’ll be happier.

-Why?

Because after rain, which most people dislike, comes rainbow. Basically even the sorrows, pains and curses are a bless sometimes. In order to get a smooth life, you should walk on dozens of thorns.
It kind of teaches us a lesson of life. Every season has a lesson, but I prefer the rainy weathers the most.

Autumn says “Just because my leaves are falling, doesn’t mean I’m dying. I have to risk or lose something, in order to bloom again. Successful life isn’t free”

Winter says “I may ruin homes, and I may ruin myself, but trust me it is worth it. I’m sacrificing myself so would others be alive afterwards. So you can’t get anything without any hardship or struggle. No pain no gain.”

Spring says “Look at me now, look at how wonderful I became. It was all worth it. Never give up, because soon enough, you will bloom”

Summer says “You shouldn’t have been selfish. You should’ve appreciated the spring before it was gone. Just because you sweat once, doesn’t mean you will forever have a smooth life. You should sweat and work even harder or more to achieve the infinite smooth life. Have some warmth towards your life so your brain wouldn’t freeze itself and make you blind to not realize what’s important.”

-How was your childhood?

Sometimes it was normal and other times it was like living among monsters.

-Did you realize what was going on around you when you were a child?

Even though I was feeling small, I did realize what was going on, and I always wondered who the real monster was among them. When one fought, others followed.

 

-Did you have any doubts towards someone, that he or she might be the real monster?

Yes, and it was towards my mother.

-Why is that?

Because she was always in the middle of everything.

-Do you know who is the real monster now?

Yes.

-Is it your mother again?

No. The real monster is my father.

-Why not your mother? Didn’t you say that she was in the middle of everything?

She was dragged…
She was dragged in the scene, so people would think that she is the real monster, which actually worked and everyone thought it was her.

-Who dragged her?

The actual monster itself, who is always behind the scenes, and only shows up when there’s something he can benefit on, then leaves the crime scene. He does not care if others get ruined from his doing.

-How do you feel about it?

Should I even spit it out?

-Did it affect you in any way?

I recently watched a new series called ‘I remember you’ there was a line where the main character said “Every child’s story starts with his/her parents “something like that.

-Why do you think it is your parents’ responsibility for the way you are?

Isn’t it? And it is funny that you asked that. Even in the series there was a line that said “When a child comes to this world, his/her parents call them either beautiful, ugly or even a monster.”

-What do you mean?

You can’t be that stupid, can you?
When a mother gives birth to her child, the child will change by the scene he/she sees of his/her parents. A child is already born with full of innocence, and it is the parents’ choice, rather they want to keep that or change it or add a new personality to it.
Actions speak louder than words do.

In other words, we were brought to this world, and the only thing that will change or affect us is the environment that surrounds us.

 

-Do you blame your parents for it?

They treated good like a trash and treated trash, good.

-Both of them?

Back then it was both of them, and now it is just one of them.

People change, but not twice.
If you were good as a child, you will either be better or worse.
If you were bad as a child, you will still either be better or worse.

-Who changed to worse and who changed to better?

My mother changed into a better person. She realizes now, yet she can’t see clearly. She still needs someone to guide her to the right path.
And the monster changed to worse, lot worse than he was before. Still deceiving.

-Was he ever good to you?

Only when others were around, just to show off.

-Show off about what?

That he can buy the world if he wanted to, even though it’s not his money. He thinks that everything is his and he owns people, when in fact he owes people. He is in a huge debt.
He especially owes my mother the most, because she paid half of his debt.

-Do you have anything else to add?

No.

-You seem to be in a deep thought now, what are you thinking about?

Wondering when will you go, or how should I get rid of you.

-Why would you want me to go?

You ask way too many questions, and you don’t even comment about it. Don’t you have an opinion to say? Besides half of the questions that I answered, you don’t even know what I’m talking about, which makes me to stop talking and wasting my breath.

-Why do you want to get rid of someone who is helping you?

See! There you go again.

How will your questions help me?

-How can I help you, when I don’t know anything about you? In order to help you, I should ask more questions and get to know you better.

How can someone easily open up to someone she/he doesn’t know? I could be telling you bunch of lies and making up bunch of stories in a realistic way.

Don’t you think that it is really possible for the person to answer any question that easily to someone who he/she does not know?
Because when a stranger asks, you answer easily. Because they don’t know and they can say anything they want. But when you know someone that asks you something, you become more careful with your answer, because they will know if it’s a lie or not.

In other explanation, you can tell a stranger that you’re a celebrity, and the stranger will immediately believe you. Then he/she will grab their phone and take a picture with you, or even be nice to you. Both of you took actions like that, because both of you won’t see each other again. Since that was the case, both of you took the opportunity, one decided to fool around and one decided to get the benefaction from it.

And the main reason is, is that both of you fell for your minds. And you believed what it was telling you, which is the question of “What if”
What if he was a celebrity,
what If he was super rich, then I should be super nice,
what If he is a successful person, then he will help me out,
what if,
what if,
what if,
what if…
And it goes on and on.

And now, you are probably wondering “what if she has been telling me lies from the very first session and making a fool out of me? What if she is trying to get rid of me by answering all the questions easily? Or what if she is messing with my mind, in order to not believe her when she is telling the truth about herself. Is she lying or is she telling the truth”

Do you have any other questions to ask?

-There’s still one minute left.

Did I drop a doubt bomb on your mind?
Do you want to go so bad that you’re constantly checking your watch now?

-Today’s session is over.

See you next week.

 

 

Session 3

-Do you watch movies or series, often?

Not as much as I used to.

-When you watch a movie or series, does it change the way you see the world?

No.

-If a single movie or a series relates to your life, would you stick with the way it is or would you wish if the movie chose a different choice instead?

Everything can change if you’re the one who is behind the handle.

-How does it make you feel when you see a certain thing that relates to you?

I feel happy that there are or even few that uses their brain once in a while, and always decide to see something in a multiple ways rather than one.

-About the series you mentioned before, are the events always in multiple ways?

Yes.
When you combine different opinions and answers, you get the right answer.
If only one decided to see it in many ways, people wouldn’t have struggled much. How do you think, things have developed these days?
Just because you insist that you’re right, doesn’t mean that you’re right. You have to question yourself many questions as possible, to find that you’re right.
When you have multiple answers leading to that you’re right, then you’re right.

-What’s so interesting about the series then?

It is interesting to see someone who replies to others with a really sharp answer. You don’t quite see that much in real life.
Have you ever been shut by someone with an answer, where it left you standing on a thin ice?

I wish there were more people like that though, but that’s impossible.

-Why is it impossible?

If stupidity didn’t exist, there wouldn’t have been knowledge or experiences.
One must do stupid things, in order for them to know what they did is completely stupid.

In order to learn, you have to makes mistakes, but not on purpose though. And if you keep making the same mistakes or keep falling into the same rabbit hole, know that you will never realize until something precious to you fades. Something that can never ever be replaced or be ever gained again.

Basically you will stop repeating stupid things by falling into a deeper rabbit hole. Which means you will only learn in hard way.

Some may take them 20 years or even more to realize, and some may die before they even do realize that.

-Do you always lecture to whoever talks to you?

Does it seem like I’m lecturing you? If so, then you’ve done some stupid things in your life and lost something because of it, and haven’t recovered from it yet.
What did you lose? I hope it wasn’t precious to you.

You can’t blame yourself, when you’re just too slow to realize what matters the most.

-Watch what you’re saying!

So it did seem like I’m lecturing you, because if it didn’t seem like it, you would’ve just accepted it as an advice or just another normal friendly conversation.

-Nothing is friendly about you. No wonder why they have left you here all alone.

You can’t just throw words at me and expect it to affect me, when you can’t accept the truth itself. You can never comfort or help me, when you can’t help yourself.

I’m already pass that. I’m in a level where I just want to let everything out. I just want to empty the words and scenarios from my mind, in order for me to feel that I also have a heart that beats.
I’ve been keeping everything inside, and always kept watching without saying a word, where it left me to think that I’m just a trash bag. You keep filling the bag over and over, without realizing that the bag is already full. And once It bursts out, I will be able to breathe again, but not in a same way. Because I’m traumatized with things I’ve experienced at a young age.

Even though I’m still traumatized, I try my best to beat it down.

And now, the only differences between you and I, is our heart. Mine beats through pain.

I did have many friends, they were really wonderful friends. But slowly by time, pieces of my mask were falling and when it completely fell, it showed how it was covered with the deepest cut filled with hatred, sorrows and disgust. I couldn’t even go out without my mask, I couldn’t even look at myself.

None likes to be around with gloominess.

-Do you hate them now?

I can’t…
I can’t blame them for not liking to be around me. They just don’t see the big picture.

-And what is the big picture that they cannot see?

That even the sunshine is covered with gloomy clouds.
It cannot always be sunshine, also it cannot always be cloudy.

If I was the one behind the handle, I would’ve made dozens of gardens by now.

-I guess we can’t have everything go the way we want it to go.

Yeah, exactly.
And that is the reason why some decide to let it go and others decide to fight for their rights.

-Do you want to call it a day?

That’s odd of you to be asking that.

-Should I take that as a yes?

Yes.

clouds-anime-girl-and-boy

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s